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Letting It Go. For Real.

I know I’ve been all about the Chronicles of Costa Rica lately…so please bear with me one (maybe?) last time…

The most exciting thing about the two Equine Facilitated Learning workshops I’ve done in Costa Rica is that the horse picks who he or she wants to work with for the week. Last year Mr. Big picked me, and I formed a bond with him that I didn’t want to quit. So for the year following, I connected with him intuitively almost every day to see if he had a message for me. (He always did.)

Then I returned last month for another workshop and couldn’t wait to see him.

I was super excited at the prospect of Mr. Big picking me again. I had no guarantees, but after a year of talking to him, I felt our bond had grown even deeper. Turns out this year two horses picked each person, and I was picked by Elisa and Cosmo. I had a great feeling about both of them as soon as they picked me…and then I immediately checked to see if Mr. Big had picked anyone in my group. He chose Sally, a facilitator, so he would serve as the workshop’s demo horse.

When the facilitators asked me how I felt about Mr. Big not picking me, I said it was fine. I got it. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn’t. It was all good.

Then they asked me again: how do you really feel about Mr. Big not picking you? And something happened. My chronic back pain got a lot worse and I started to cry. What the heck was going on? I felt like a selfish little girl who didn’t get what she wanted. The more they asked me to talk about it, the more I was uncomfortable with how I felt. I loved Mr. Big. I never wanted to be mad at him.

Then they had me talk to him and tell him how I felt. And it was so cool because he just calmly held space for me and let me rant. He exhaled and licked and chewed, which is the feedback the horses give you when they feel you are right on in what you’re expressing.

Then in the middle of all that venting, I received Mr. Big’s message that he wanted me to get angry and let it all out. That’s why he purposely didn’t pick me.

I typically avoid conflict and try really hard not to ruffle any feathers. In doing so, it’s entirely possible that I hold onto stuff and don’t express things that would be healthy for me to let out. Mr. Big knew this and showed me the way to let it go. When I did, my back felt better, and it opened me up to having the time of my life with Cosmo and Elisa.

Right around the time of my trip, I found out I had quite a large stone in my left kidney. Could all of the chronic pain I’ve had for months and months be related to that? Due to the stone’s density, my only treatment option was surgery, so earlier this month I went off the grid for a couple of weeks and had the procedure. I finally feel like I’m getting past the rough recovery, and guess what? That very specific, fetal-position-inducing back pain…has not come back.

What we hold onto can hurt us and cause us a ton of pain. Have you been stuffing something down because it feels safer not to express it? There are plenty of healthy ways of letting stuff go…Mine was talking to a horse I love and getting cut open (!), but another less dramatic option is talking to a trusted friend or healing practitioner. The results can be truly life-changing. In other words, seriously BIG, like that wise, beloved horse in Costa Rica. ❤️

It’s all about the magic. 🙌

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